What do we mean by “look me in the eye?”
“Look me in the eye when I talk to you, son.” I wasn’t his teacher, but I cringed when I recognized the child he spoke to. His grandpa was not trying to be rude; he was trying to get this child to respect him. In his own way, the grandparent was TRYING to help this child learn respect. He wanted to help the younger generation. Despite his best efforts, the young student could not maintain eye contact with his grandfather. His grandpa looked frustrated and was probably feeling like a failure. What this older man did not understand about his grandson was that he had a hard time maintaining eye contact…with ANYONE. He physically struggled to look someone in the eye, but that did not mean he wasn’t listening, nor did it mean that he didn’t respect his grandfather.
This post does not aim to provide a psychological explanation of every spectrum disorder and how eye contact might be perceived. This is a parent/teacher insight on what I have seen. Hopefully, this story will help some readers understand something they might not have thought about before.
Respect is something that is taught and is essential, but it may not appear the same for everyone.
Over the years in our home, I have noticed a disconnect between teaching my children about respect and their understanding of what it truly means. Several years ago, one of my kids asked me, “Mom, why do I need to look into someone’s eyeballs? What am I supposed to see?” I found it hilarious, but it also made me realize they didn’t understand why making eye contact is considered a sign of respect.
Every year in the classroom, I began with the same topic: RESPECT. We discussed its meaning while reading stories, and the students quickly learned it was an important principle in my class. We emphasized respecting our friends, our teachers, and the authority figures in our lives. By winter, even the kindergarten children usually understood the meaning of respect.
One of the most effective ways for them to learn was through show-and-tell. During this activity, each student had the opportunity to take charge. One by one, they would sit in the teacher’s chair and share their stories while the other students practiced being respectful. They demonstrated respect by listening attentively and not talking to one another while someone was speaking. Although there were a couple of students who struggled to sit still or maintain eye contact with the speaker, they were still showing respect in ways they could understand.
The true meaning of respect- showing love and holding someone in high regard- was not lost on my students, in the classroom or at home.
The ultimate goal remains- to repair the broken link of communication between the person speaking and the person listening.
In our home, one thing that has helped us is to make sure we talk about respect often. Why should we show respect? What does the Bible say to us about respecting our elders? We make sure to model the behavior for them so they can see the principle in action. As parents, we recognize that looking someone in the eye can be important for some people. Showing respect has gotten easier over time for our children, although some days are more difficult than others.
Some children may not intentionally show disrespect but rather struggle with demonstrating respect appropriately. People may not realize that a child can feel overwhelmed by someone standing too close, a loud voice, or the expectation to ‘look someone in the eyeball’. Teaching a new skill to someone who might not fit in the box can be challenging, but it is important to take small, measured steps rather than large leaps.
…teach them..in a way they can understand…
If you know a child who has difficulty making eye contact or expressing respect, be patient and TEACH them. Understand that what seems easy for you may not be for them. Every student CAN learn, but it is up to the teacher to TEACH them in the way they understand.
-Project Homeward Downes
